Big Gay Closet

When Yasser hit puberty, he grew attracted to his male cousins. Like many gay and lesbian teenagers everywhere, he felt isolated. “I used to have the feeling that I was the queerest in the country,” he recalled. “But then I went to high school and discovered there are others like me. Then I find out, it’s a whole society.”

This society thrives just below the surface. During the afternoon, traffic cops patrol outside girls’ schools as classes end, in part to keep boys away. But they exert little control over what goes on inside. A few years ago, a Jeddah- based newspaper ran a story on lesbianism in high schools, reporting that girls were having sex in the bathrooms. Yasmin, a 21-year-old student in Riyadh who’d had a brief sexual relationship with a girlfriend and was the only Saudi woman who’d had a lesbian relationship who was willing to speak with me for this story, told me that one of the department buildings at her college is known as a lesbian enclave. The building has large bathroom stalls, which provide privacy, and walls covered with graffiti offering romantic and religious advice; tips include “she doesn’t really love you no matter what she tells you” and “before you engage in anything with [her] remember: God is watching you.” In Saudi Arabia, “It’s easier to be a lesbian [than a heterosexual]. There’s an overwhelming number of people who turn to lesbianism,” Yasmin said, adding that the number of men in the kingdom who turn to gay sex is even greater. “They’re not really homosexual,” she said. “They’re like cell mates in prison.”

via The Kingdom in the Closet – Magazine – The Atlantic.

Nearly a quarter of all people playing, coaching or refereeing professional football personally know a gay player, according to new research into attitudes towards homosexuality in the game.

It also finds that almost eight out of 10 fans thought openly gay players would have the same positive effect on football as black players did in the 1980s and 90s when racism in the sport was tackled.

The findings are likely to raise expectations that football will soon follow other professional sports and see a top player come out. In recent years, rugby union, hurling and tennis have seen star players reveal that they are gay while at the height of their careers. But the survey, conducted by the University of Staffordshire, suggested such a move for a professional footballer would not be without risks.

Of the professional players, coaches, managers and referees who know gay footballers currently playing the game, a third believe they would face abuse from other players if they came out. Almost four out of five think they would face hostility from fans.

via Fans say they would back gay footballers who come out | World news | The Observer.

Things are moving on a bit! I mean, soccer really couldn’t be much gayer, but the only reason that’s ok is because the fans think they know the players are very very straight. Of course, not all of them are. They couldn’t be.

We’ve read the Gay Footballer Blog

I love playing football and I don’t mind being gay but sadly those two things don’t mix very well. It’s ridiculous that people form an opinion about you based on your sexuality but in the world of football and sports in general that is still the case especially at the lower levels. If I ever make it to the premier league I promise I will be openly gay…
via One In Eleven

(By the way, you have to read his “Coming Out Letter to My Religious Parents“… it’s perfect and hilarious.)

We’ve also read the story of John Fashanu — the footballer who came out publicly only to be disowned by his brother and then kill himself after being accused of sexual assault in America.

Still, I don’t think it’ll be long before someone with something to lose decides to come out. While there is likely to be some abuse from the stands — and I don’t want to belittle the effects of that (just ask Gareth Thomas) — I think society in general is very ready to be supportive and even to celebrate the footballer who decides to test the waters for everyone else.

The last 50 years has seen huge advances in gay rights within the United Kingdom, something that no doubt deserves to be should celebrate, however Jane Hill’s exploration of the LGBT community and their experiences in old age residential care in BBC Radio 4′s “It’s My Story, Glad To Be Gay” shows all too sadly how many older LGBT people are finding themselves facing that same solid wall of institutionalised homophobia that they were forced to face in their youth.

via Aging UK LGBT Population Facing Having To Go Back Into An Isolating Closet To Survive.

Fantastic blog post on Big Gayborhood about being closeted at work and how those stupid comments can affect you so much, and about how we worry that our children will pay for our honesty. Read on…

A year ago, I was working in a child care center in a very small town. At a staff meeting, a colleague said, “This small town is not ready for gay marriage.” Bear in mind that I am a Canadian, living and working in Ontario, where same-sex marriage has been legal for a number of years, so it is inevitable that this teacher will encounter a child of same-sex parents at some point in her career.

In fact, she already had the child of a lesbian in her care, and didn’t even know it. She was my daughter’s preschool teacher.

I should have spoken up. I should have asked, “How do you know there isn’t a child in your room who is in that situation right now?” I should have defended my child and the life I was beginning to live. Instead, I was silent.  It was easy enough for me to hide my sexual orientation, I was single at the time, and my internalized homophobia created shame, when I should have been defending my right to raise my child with another woman, if I so chose.

I was acutely uncomfortable with my working situation after that comment was made. Not only did I feel unsafe about coming out to my colleagues, I really felt as though my daughter would be treated differently if the teacher became aware of our situation. Whether or not any small town is ready, teachers need to be prepared to set aside their own biases in order to truly love and accept the differences of all the children in their care.   It is essential to preserve a child’s self-esteem, to educate, and to teach love and inclusion over hate.

read the rest at Our Big Gayborhood.

Robert Winn met his wife, Christine, in college. He was a fraternity boy. She was a sorority girl. Early in their relationship, he made a confession, a thorny secret he camouflaged from his closest family and friends.

The truth sputtered out awkwardly.

Sensing his nervousness, she speculated he would announce he was sick — or perhaps dying?

He told her he was bisexual.

via The last person out of the closet? The bisexual male – CNN.com.

The deceit, of course, exacted a toll. I was drinking too much, had anger issues, became estranged from the ones I loved. I had decided that celibacy was the way to go when I met a fellow combat arms officer, who was gay. We had similar backgrounds and similar career paths—both at the top of our respective battalions. We were quite alike, except for one small detail: This officer, a West Point graduate, lived an open life. “I’m a damn good infantry officer, a distinguished honor graduate from Ranger school, promoted early to Major,” he’d say. “I believe in the Army’s core values. And I don’t want to lie.”

His determination scared me more than a little. I desperately loved my job. It felt like a calling to command my first unit. Here I was, a junior Captain, fast-tracking toward Major. The soldiers respected me, and it was rewarding to do something I was good at. To do what my fellow officer did—to live in the open—was too risky. What if people saw us together, that big gay officer and me? Might as well wear a boa in front of my troops, I thought. And so I cut him off, and fooled myself into believing that I could do without a partner until I retired from the army in another 20 years.

[...]

The military is a covenant between a soldier and his commander. And I need our Commander-in-Chief to keep his promise to my partner and me. I will risk my life, and in return, I ask to be treated simply like anyone else in the service—nothing more and nothing less.
from The Daily Beast

(h/t to @john_mcguirk for pointing it out)

There are times I begin to suspect that TRMS is wearing a bit thin for me. In fairness, I’m not American, so sometimes the content isn’t relevant to me.

But then Rachel Maddow does this. She succinctly explains why it is such a big deal that George Rekers got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. And she does it well.

You may not have heard much of George Rekers before the past couple of weeks, but he was involved with someone you’ve probably heard of: James Dobson (not in that way). The two were on the founding board of the now infamous Family Research Council.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I had a somewhat different take on things earlier when I wrote “Why we love a good fall from grace (and why that’s ok)” on the Irish lesbian website Gaelick. It was inspired, in part, by the Iris Robinson scandal that was in the news at the time. She wasn’t gay, just cheating on her husband with a teenager, and she was definitely anti-gay.

I’ve never done the bar thing. I’m not a drinker and I’m also not into sex just for the sake of sex.

I want to date someone, get to know them first and then have sex. But I have done the sex on the first date thing, didn’t ever work out for me though, as far as finding someone long term.

I have also found and dated someone that I met on the phone sex line. Long distance dating. I spent a delightful weekend on the River Walk in San Antonio a couple of years ago with someone I met on the phone and at the time it seemed as though we might have a future, as soon as his kids graduated from high school and my dad died and he moved to Texas from Arizona. But not long after San Antonio he quit returning my calls regularly and eventually said ‘it’ wouldn’t work. And right now I’m not looking. In the past I’ve resigned myself to being alone and making the best of it, then been caught up in the possibilities of loving and living with someone, and then back to making the best of it again.

In real life I want a brain and feelings and romance too. I want to walk hand in hand and look at the stars,
talk politics and religion, disagree and make up, not wait at home for my muscle stud to finish at the gym
where he spends all his free time.

from Coming Out of the Closet – Reviews by Jessewave

Just an excerpt from one of the many “coming out” stories (that one written by a man who isn’t actually out) written by men for the blog “Reviews by Jessewave”. They’re all well worth a read.

I love playing football and I don’t mind being gay but sadly those two things don’t mix very well. It’s ridiculous that people form an opinion about you based on your sexuality but in the world of football and sports in general that is still the case especially at the lower levels. If I ever make it to the premier league I promise I will be openly gay but at the moment I am choosing pursuing a career in football over an openly gay lifestyle.

…

So what do you do when you see a ridiculously cute guy on the bus? I saw him as I got on and almost forgot to show the driver my ticket. He was exactly my type, black hair, an angelic face, and athletic body, he gave me a beautiful smile as I sat across from him. I couldn’t stop stealing glances at him and each time I did he was smiling back at me.

So what did I do?

Got off at my stop, without saying anything to him. This is what the closet does to me. I don’t know what to do. Some days I feel like my youth is slipping away from me and I’m missing so many opportunities. On the other hand I know my life would be hell if I came out now and I don’t know if I’d be able to handle it.

Being in the closet is ok until you realise what your missing, and that happened big time today. Someday soon everyone will know and I’ll be free at last.

via One In Eleven.

The blogger says he’s 22 and playing semi-professional football while working in a call centre.

It’s incredible to have a little window into the decisions people make that put them in the closet, and the toll that can take.

(h/t to Panti)